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September 15, 2015

Waiting for the flowers to bloom

sussiesSharing a special moment with my baby girl and I find myself wishing someone was watching, capturing the moment to hold forever and be witnessed. She is quietly breastfeeding, looking at me with her big brown eyes, they suddenly squint and she is smiling at me, the corner of her mouth turning up, but mostly her eyes are smiling at me, she lets go, hugs me and rolls over to take her nap, ...sigh.... Then I remember a truly tough and heart breaking horrible moment I hope no one ever see or witness, being the mother I never want to be. I felt so alone in the moment another part of me wishes someone did see the horror.

Frankly no job is all sunshine and roses, right? We all just envy each other's roses when our own garden is going through a rough patch or our blooming season has yet to begin, and we have no flowers to show, yet.

Then I had an interesting conversation about jealousy with my eldest and it made me aware of my own feelings of envy and how easy it can be to let it overrun the beauty we can experience as the witness of someone else's flowers. I related how my heart would start to beat really fast, my body gets hot, and I just want to lash out. As an adult I guess I have learnt how to, in that moment, turn it on myself rather than inflict pain on another, but as I am relating with my 4 year old I realize how bad this is too. We talk about how with finding our calm breath and just appreciating the coolness or beauty we are jealous of, we might learn something and even just enjoy it, relinquishing the need to lash out.

Ha... I was having more of a talk with myself, and who knows how much made sense to this honest, very sensitive girl of mine, probably a lot more than I give her credit for.

I re-evaluated my own process and this was good. Appreciating my own journey and enjoying being able to witness others, through pinterest and facebook and all that, not comparing or trying to catch up or even want others lives.

This garden of mine sometimes overcome with weeds and sometimes barren and dry, also harvest incredible flowers unlike any others, in its own time.

I am grateful and in awe of my two guides, my two girls, that show me my heart and capacity daily.

with love and light

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