It’s the journey

images-1As I am contemplating my day and some of the conversation that took place, in my head and with those I love. I suddenly realize my inquiry of the day was answered in a conversation that happened by and by. I was wishing my sister-in-law a happy birthday and we were enjoying the idea of all that lies ahead and what we have to look forward to in each new phase. She mentioned how people question certain destinations she has in mind and I thought, “well does it really matter, as long as we have a destination there will be a journey, and that is the interesting fun part.”

Ok so my inquiry of the day was: “How do I manage my expectations when there is such specific goals and plans?” I am always on a mission to manage it(my expectations) to the point where I would love to live with out expectations, finding for me it only creates debilitating tension. When I can enjoy and learn and be without expectation the freedom it harnesses makes me fly and take that one extra step. Now I realize this is not so for everyone, there are many ways to look at this and what motivates each of us. I am not afraid of feeling disappointment or maybe I am and I just don’t have the guts to admit it, yet I am more reluctant about being frozen in place, feeling as if I am so stuck on it looking as expected, or someone else acting as expected that I cannot see it any other way and then the tension blocks my view.

Currently I stand in the midst of the most specific plans and ideas I’ve ever had, and I would love to see them come to fruition. I also realize that I have only so much control and things might not go as expected, agh…. Then after this short yet sweet moment between me and my sister, I again realized it doesn’t matter. Because here I am on the journey, this very specific plan has set in motion. I am enjoying and learning and creating everyday, the mission is to stay present. Personally the unknown is exhilarating to me, it invigorates my soul. I feel my shoulders relax after a tense morning where it felt like things just wasn’t going according to plan, and I again smiled and decided to enjoy the ride.

This is some roller coaster.

imagesMy reality is a happier one with little expectation and open acceptance of what is, is perfect.

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dreaming

42695e335606f5746e5935230b8bc3e6I am sitting sipping a coffee, contemplating what my new home, life and space will feel and look like.

I dream of more time with my sister, mother, best friends and family. To be in a space and time where our sharing is more immediate and in real time. I dream of working with people that inspire all the good story in me, having time to work and live my passionate heart. I dream of speaking and working with women of all ages, inspiring our connection to each other and our world. I dream of a playful, free and loving existence for my girls and husband. I dream of us all doing what fuels us.

I dream of a big open kitchen filled with light (with a gas stove). Enough space for us all to play and create. A king bed for us all to cuddle in. A garden and space where we can roll around with a cat and a dog. Friends, family, school, coffee and parks nearby (walking distance).

I dream of a brewery and pub where I watch everyone enjoy Ryan’s beer, he is a master.

I dream, I feel, I tune in. I listen and wait. I actively speak and take action. I create my dream and stay flexible. I have come to realize how powerful my dream and my knowing of its truth is. I have witnessed  a dream become part of my here-and-now experience, always with a little twist to keep it interesting. I love it and trust it a little more each time a new dream is revealed.

Dream with me.images

 

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Friendship

images-1How sweet the sound of my girls laughter as she’s rolling on the ground with her best-friend-forever. They make each other laugh, they giggle and tumble. And they also declare war when feelings become too intense. They learn how to govern these unkind feelings, finding the words, the space, acknowledging the truth of them without the lash-out that can cause such intense pain and hard-to-over-come barriers. I love hearing their stories grow and expand when they play and create together. My heart sings…

I watch them and realize yet again the value, the necessity of friendship. When I can Be with people truthfully and freely, those are what I call friends. A space where conditions don’t exist. It becomes easy to speak my truth and I am revealed to myself when in the company of true friends. I absolutely value these soul connections and feel at a loss when I don’t feel connected.

I was lucky to be witness of my mother who showed me how to recognize friends(soul-family) and how to cultivate and nurture the precious gift of it. As a live and travel all over the world, I know: recognizing our friends can be hard and sometimes seem to take forever. Then when they show up, its the most natural event, its like we’ve known each other for life times. Its electrifying and energizing. I feel blessed today with a global soul-family. I am guided and love the giggles and tears that happen so naturally with those who I can show my young heart to.

The most overwhelming feeling is gratitude.

While in relation with you I know and recognize myself. I learn. THANK YOU

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I dream a similar journey of friendship for my girls. May they walk this life, on this earth and find their heart-friends easily. Guided by love and light. 

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In the Red Tent

11071474_10152526978957465_6232779694575623402_nThe story behind the red tent I found and where its going, ha!

Its going to South Africa… but I also know that every woman who steps into a red tent, even just once, will never forget and take it with her.

I am committed to the space and energy it holds for the feminine in the world. The space has become my teacher and holds story that is beyond my understanding most days.

My first introduction to the space was when I read the book “The Red Tent” by Danita Diamant. Then I became part of the most amazing community in San Diego, who holds a Red Tent once a year. San Diego Birth Network, created a beautiful tent where women were given the opportunity to tell their babies birth stories or their experience with birth, in a safe, honored space.

I loved this space and how connected women seemed from so many walks of life. Different perspectives and opinions seem to fall to the side, and the truth of hearts were recognized. The feminine was acknowledged and honored. It was beautiful.

I was inspired.

The passion that has lived in my heart forever, slowly finds its voice as I grow and experience life. Its home is in these spaces. I love being in the birthing room, the red tent, with women creating story or art. I love being witness and holding safe space for their ideas or transition to be heard, for their voices to awaken and ultimately the feminine to be empowered and her strength acknowledged. Hoping for true worthiness of the feminine to be known, not in comparison but as a its own force, its separate kind of strength that stands by the side of the masculine forces. It feels like in the creative force of the feminine lies our greatest power, not in disregarding or equalizing it.

Women-GatheringANyway, I can go of on a tangent I realize, it’s just passion…

I found a willing space and people who wanted a red tent in their community. Babies-in-bloom. It has been a great space of learning and understanding. I am forever grateful and honored by each woman who courageously stepped into our tent. I have learnt so much about how much we hold it together and how we need more support structures in place to honor and not ignore the cyclical nature of us.

As I move with this space, and plan each ceremony, I am awakened to the sacred feminine and each individuals’ need.

Life is beautiful, especially when our holy nature is recognized by each other.

Hoping that it will become a normal recognized space in many a community where women gather regularly to be with each other and themselves, allowing the gravitas it carries,female-energy-cycle when we ignore our own nature, to fall away. In this space we learn to be easy with ourselves, each other and our world. May we grasp at opportunity to be vulnerable with each other, making it less and less scary. Possibly this could make our world seem a safer more free place to be.

I invite you to start your own red tent space in your living room with your sisters, friends, and do so regularly.

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April 19, 2016 · 12:29 pm

Doula-ing my family

 

Birth metaphors are endless in life for me. Here is looking at the “Transition Phase”:

IMG_4474I am moving my family to South Africa. Saying goodbye to a life we created on one side of the world, California, the last five in San Diego. We are going to explore and experience our other homeland, South Africa. I feel mostly gratitude for all I have learned and experienced in the past 9 years. Especially for realizing the doula in me, as I support my girls and family through this time of extreme change and transition.

So here is the cold hard/ugly truth about transition and why I love it and how I make sense of it.

I have always found times of change excruciatingly interesting. Then I had a couple babies crown from my body and I had a whole new understanding for the process of creating and transitioning into the reality of the dream, project or person.

Some of us throw up, gag, defecate, give up, believe its impossible, that it was all a false idea and we are crazy for even considering it or us, worthy. Its a horrible, very physical and insane experience… I felt it in my body, the need to give up right as it was about to become real.

Then the sweet relief when my babies came into my arms. How flabbergasting, how calm and remarkable the sense of it all.

After my very physical experience with childbirth I couldn’t help but reflect back and review my life as I have experienced it. I notice a pattern.

I look back and see with all my heart and hard projects I wanted to give up as soon as I was getting somewhere, as soon as there was about to be completion. Only if the right people were in it with me or collaboration presented support, could I see it through. In the same way childbirth wouldn’t allow me a way out, and I physically, mentally and emotionally experienced myself being the most uncomfortable I have ever been during any project or process. In collaboration with my body, baby and support team, I was safe and could again see it through to completion.

Looking at the major stresses in our human experience: creating or destroying relationship, loss in all its forms, Having children,moving or relocating, and changing jobs, you name it, the stress shows up in its full glory during the actual transition, this is what I notice. At first the idea, the event might be so incredible or overwhelming, staggering or relentless in its action that we might either be reluctant to acknowledge it or we might be very excited. We work to put the practical in place, the plan, the people, the time, and… I have learned more important than almost anything, the support. As the transformation or change is about to finalize or become our new reality, we hesitate, we turn around and say; ‘no’, we try to claw our way out of what ever is happening, hoping someone else will take over, the urge to run or sometimes to fight becomes overwhelming, and for some of us, the urge to fall apart is blinding. Then the support rises up and reminds us of our dream or reason for doing or creating what is becoming. That moment requires breath and presence. Thats all.    Stay close and see the fruit fall, the new path open and the light turn on. Feel the sense of calm as a new remarkable reality is revealed.

The examples from my own life that has made me super aware of how I recognize and experience transition in all its glory and horror is so clear in my mind I can still taste it. From dealing with the loss of death to just the change of my mind. It all remains some of my clearest memories.

Labor and Birth has given me such a clear sense of how it manifests and why. It has given me hope and understanding of our power and capacity. Having been an actress before I became a mother, I experienced similar feelings when creating a film or theater piece. The nausea and physical experience in my body before I step on stage or have a project of mine revealed is astoundingly similar to when I was about to birth my babies and hit what they call the “transition phase”.

Transitioning from the role of Quinne to a character on screen or stage, and then to Quinne, the wife and then again to Quinne the mother.  And now its about integrating it all. Creating opportunity for it all to amalgamate.

 We are moving our family back to South Africa. It was clear and the plans and activity to make our dream a reality exciting and distracting (it still is). As the reality of the move creep closer, I feel my heals dig in, fear rise in my throat, and my limbs go weak. I see it now and can’t seem to stop the avalanche of feelings that accompany me through transition, but I do now recognize the signs of transition and understand that it truly is just a moment. That I can only remain in motion and allow the space for its expression.

It is the raw moment before the new experience and path is revealed, thats all. So I sit with the discomfort, practice to stay present and share with my support team. I allow love and light to guide me. I acknowledge that we don’t have to do things alone, and having our process witnessed creates more compassion and less isolation.

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Being a doula, being with a woman in transition, still is one of my most empowering and passionate callings. Witnessing someone, including myself, finding their way when it is darkest. Trusting the support of the body and knowing that we are not alone. Every human will experience the stress of transition differently, some of us only need to know support is available and some need to have active support in the moment. In summery; we all flourish with support one way or the other. No flower grows without sun, soil and water. We as humans are not much different.

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Why Birth Education?

What is the value of this kind of class? Why sign up? Is it worth the cost? Is it really necessary, I thought instinct guides us on this one?

51A4YVadPFL._SX319_BO1,204,203,200_
So here is my two cents and why I am passionate about education and the loving preparation around the birthing of new generations and preparing as new parents.

A birth education class is a space for you to celebrate your becoming a parent. A place to learn about the process of labor and the incredible workings of the body. Learn about the life and science of birth and how to support your labor in a harmonious and efficient way. There are many unknowns and a lot to learn. Learning which questions to ask can make all the difference for you and your baby. Knowing the workings of the birth world and business, the benefits and risks to all the different landscapes and scenarios available in today’s world will help you understand what’s the best fit for your family.
These classes are a place to create community, an essential part to having fun as a new parents, knowing you are not alone on this sometimes overwhelming journey.
And our children deserve their village.

Once a child is conceived and the choice is made that they will join your life, your family, they become a definite influence and will guide you to find what you need, so they can have the kind of birth they want to experience.

So if your mind is reeling with questions about the process, your body, your relationship and how it will be affected with this new persons arrival? How your spirit and work life will respond and how it will all mix and find their space in this new realm, then join a birth education class.
It’s about setting yourself up for success and filling your backpack with tools for when there is something in need of fixing or when a challenge becomes overwhelming.

How do you find the right class for you? Listen to your heart and follow what feels light and filled with love to guide you to the right class for you.
Listen in the same way to your heart and knowing to find the right care provider for you and your child, it matters where you give birth and who you allow in the room.

Saying yes to being a great, present, joyful parent and human being that can see the beauty of this adventure and life takes a conscious effort. To bring our children into this world with love and joy should be our prerogative. Should be our mission. It does not only give our children the opportunity to follow their path confidently with love but also allows us to really see ourselves, this is one of the big gifts of becoming a parent.
Are we afraid of it at times? Yes!
Do we want to look away and ignore the challenge? Yes.
Can we ignore and turn away? No.
So let’s start our journey by becoming conscious of our impact, our fears and our joys before they move into our lives permanently forever;)

Someone said it: “Allow fear to only stay present in the back seat, gagged and strapped in.”

Our children should be received with love, surrounded with joy and welcomed into the beauty of this world.

Be confident that you are not sick when you are pregnant, you have the opportunity to experience yourself in the healthiest state ever.  It’s exciting!

Knowledge is always power and a woman empowered is incredible and necessary!

 

 

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Waiting for the flowers to bloom

sussiesSharing a special moment with my baby girl and I find myself wishing someone was watching, capturing the moment to hold forever and be witnessed. She is quietly breastfeeding, looking at me with her big brown eyes, they suddenly squint and she is smiling at me, the corner of her mouth turning up, but mostly her eyes are smiling at me, she lets go, hugs me and rolls over to take her nap, …sigh…. Then I remember a truly tough and heart breaking horrible moment I hope no one ever see or witness, being the mother I never want to be. I felt so alone in the moment another part of me wishes someone did see the horror.

Frankly no job is all sunshine and roses, right? We all just envy each other’s roses when our own garden is going through a rough patch or our blooming season has yet to begin, and we have no flowers to show, yet.

Then I had an interesting conversation about jealousy with my eldest and it made me aware of my own feelings of envy and how easy it can be to let it overrun the beauty we can experience as the witness of someone else’s flowers. I related how my heart would start to beat really fast, my body gets hot, and I just want to lash out. As an adult I guess I have learnt how to, in that moment, turn it on myself rather than inflict pain on another, but as I am relating with my 4 year old I realize how bad this is too. We talk about how with finding our calm breath and just appreciating the coolness or beauty we are jealous of, we might learn something and even just enjoy it, relinquishing the need to lash out.

Ha… I was having more of a talk with myself, and who knows how much made sense to this honest, very sensitive girl of mine, probably a lot more than I give her credit for.

I re-evaluated my own process and this was good. Appreciating my own journey and enjoying being able to witness others, through pinterest and facebook and all that, not comparing or trying to catch up or even want others lives.

This garden of mine sometimes overcome with weeds and sometimes barren and dry, also harvest incredible flowers unlike any others, in its own time.

I am grateful and in awe of my two guides, my two girls, that show me my heart and capacity daily.

with love and light

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