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July 16, 2015

Finding some clarity

I was reading stories to my two girls the other night, the first night they went to bed at the same time with the same stories!
Lara on the breast and Charlotte cuddling close and loving the top of her sisters head. My heart nearly exploded out of my chest. I was so taken by this moment and the closeness and the love.

I look at them and realize how much they magnify each other. They are so very different yet both strong and crazy, so very unique.

I also become aware in these moments how they highlight me to myself:) This sounds funny when I say it out loud, but its the truest way I can say it. The challenge of being a parent, the mother of two girls has made me excruciatingly self aware. I love being their mother and being the intimate witness of them. I have learnt in the past almost 5 years how to take better care of myself and I have learnt to be more authentically vulnerable, because they really are and the daily forgiveness of each other is incredible. Learning how to discipline and set boundaries as parents and as people who want careers but also be active participants as parents feels crazy and calls for a lot of clarity and organization. [my abstract and big picture mind has a very hard time with this.] Every day we take baby steps and celebrate the moments. Learning how to carve space for my own expression and recognizing that I might not always be understood and even be rejected a lot of the times is big for me. Learning in the past few months, or at least admitting to myself that one of my biggest fears are, rejection. Learning to sit with this and still practice to be me, authentically. Learning to practice this, means I recognize that I am worth it. A legacy I want to make sure to pass on to these two powerhouse girls now quietly sharing a room and playing in their magic garden like two fairies.

I feel blessed and challenged and its all good.

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