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April 29, 2018

Autumn dawning...Winter looming. Conversation with self (a process revealed).

I sit in my spot waiting for it all to fall into place, ha...

Rather I am remembering to inquire rather than demand. The message is to let go of the need, the need to control an outcome.

I sit here and in this space thoughts do form through words and sentences that I can sometimes not believe is mine.

I sit and I am always in disbelief over time passing.

Second term in school has started and my oldest has turned another year. We have traveled and moved and played and change is our constant, routine our anchor and consistency my personal challenge.

I was asked what is your flaw, the answer flew out of my mouth as a truth for of my biggest flaws/challenges is inconsistency, suddenly I understand my struggle with routine and ongoing demands. Being mother is the biggest learning curve yet.

So how do I master this challenge, how do I overcome inconsistency, because suddenly the world and its players are in a synchronised way showing me that it's a truth for me and it's time to grow and face this one. My children need it, my work does too and maybe when I understand it, the next road I will be going down will reveal more of itself. It is looming through a misty haze, but still very unclear.

Letting go of the need? hmmmm... I am in pondering phase and answers are showing up slowly.

But this letting go of the need seems significant? The need for the outcome to be specific? the need for a constant? Being consistent is maybe different from being constant?

  1. 1.
    consistent behaviour or treatment.
    "the consistency of measurement techniques"
    synonyms: evenness, steadiness, stabilityconstancyregularityuniformityequilibriumunity, orderliness, lack of change, lack of deviation; More

  2. 2.
    the way in which a substance holds together; thickness or viscosity.
    "the sauce has the consistency of creamed butter"
    synonyms: thicknessdensityfirmnesssolidityviscositycohesionheaviness, degree of thickness, degree of density;

    1. 1.
      occurring continuously over a period of time.
      "the constant background noise of the city"
      synonyms: continualcontinuouspersistentsustainedabiding, round-the-clock; More

    1. 1.
      a situation that does not change.
      "the condition of struggle remained a constant"
      synonyms: unchanging factor, unchanging state of affairs, unchanging situation, given

      "dread of cancer has been a constant during the last 100 years"

      Ah suddenly it dawns on me, the difference is significant. It's understanding what remains unchanging, what beliefs I carry and which ones are fluid and only ideas I play around with. Knowing this will show up as being more consistent yet not constant, meaning I still have room for change and the fear of not being able to be fluid and change my mind and change direction might be stilled as it is one of my biggest fears.

      Seeing the difference, and in the process acknowledging my true depth and not feeling trapped in a constant, might give me courage to be brave enough to be consistent. Knowing my weight and density and trusting my equilibrium and moving in whatever direction steadily and evenly.

      We can be consistent without being constant. See, it's the sense of the constants that suffocates me. Yet, my own integrity comes into question, when I don't trust my way, myself, my depth.

      Sporadic moments do exist where my experience leads me to a sense of self within that I do trust and potentially this gives me weight. My consistency lies in allowing myself this space more.

      There is mistrust that it might not keep being true. So I rest in the inconsistency of the experience to justify my mistrust and disbelieve. Leaving myself unaccountable and in the same breath rather unreliable. This cannot be a great experience for littles or anyone relying on me.

      How do I move towards my own greatness of being? How do I challenge this weakness and make it strong? What are the steps to take?

      Ahhh yes practice. Practice to show up trusting yourself, needing it not to look a specific way for others, confident in the experience of it. Allowing others the room to react, to have their own experience without needing to take responsibility for their experience.

      DO the work. Make the time. Don't shy away, thinking it will get itself done. You spoke it, You do it, You write it. Live the truth, the belief that right and wrong might not exist. Don't shy away from consequence positive and negative.

      Showing up is essential. As you are... but do the work. Trust yourself. this is essential, trusting your experience and truth and heart.


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