Monthly Archives: December 2012

“CONSCIOUSNESS”

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Consciousness, an interesting word that keep coming to mind this past few weeks. I held back speaking of it, somehow feeling a resistance while talks about the end of the world is happening. So many different ideas and beliefs going around alienating us from ourselves and each other it seems.

And I would love to see more relating going on, less alienation. We all have the same source it seem to me, and when we listen more to our own innate, more understanding and truth seem to resonate and more connection happens. Lets have a look at this word; Consciousness: ”

con·scious·ness

[kon-shuh s-nis] Show IPA

noun

1.

the state of being conscious; awareness of one’s own existence, sensations, thoughts, surroundings, etc.
2.

the thoughts and feelings, collectively, of an individual or of an aggregate of people: the moral consciousness of a nation.
3.

full activity of the mind and senses, as in waking life: to regain consciousness after fainting.
4.

awareness of something for what it is; internal knowledge: consciousness of wrongdoing.
5.

concern, interest, or acute awareness: class consciousness.
Okay so I think we will all agree that becoming conscious is really essential to our well being as individuals, nations, a species and a world.
After participating in a workshop with Anna Verwaal at the Holistic Chamber of Commerce, I am excited about all the stunning research being done to help the living with our consciousness and how being conscious can create a new, refreshing outcome in this world we have been creating. Her teaching and all the research being done absolutely resonates with all I have learned in the past 11 years practicing Meta. I feel light and happy, almost giddy, being able to practice Meta and teach it, helping with the awaking and the recreating of our world and how we relate with one another, one mama at a time.
Then…

Reading the writings of Clarissa Pinkola Estes, I feel full, satisfied, heard, enlightened, inspired and loved. I feel like I am talking to a very good friend that gets it.

I read the chapter about “Vasalisa the wise, Nosing out the Facts”. The story of a young girl that retrieves her own knowing and reconnects with her complete and truest nature, where intuition is her guide and she is initiated to know the whole truth and live fearlessly with it.

As I come the the end of the chapter, that took me about a month to read, I feel my heart pound and my core resonate with the words Clarissa Pinkola Estes write. “Another way to strengthen connection to intuition is to refuse to allow anyone to repress your vivid energies…that means your opinions, your thoughts, your ideas, your values, your morals, your ideals. There is very little right/wrong or good/bad in this world. There is, however, useful and not useful. There are also things that are sometimes destructive, as well as things which are engendering. But as you well know, a garden has to be turned in the fall in order to prepare it for spring. It cannot bloom all the time. But let your own innate cycles dictate the upsurges and the down spirals of your life, not another person outside yourself.                                                                                                                                                                                     There are certain constant entropies and creatings which are a part of our inner cycles. It is our task to synchronize with them. Like the chambers of a heart which fill and empty and fill again, we “learn to learn” the rhythm of this Life/Death/Life cycle instead of becoming martyred by it. “

She continues to write and conclude a great lesson and reason for this story to be told to each of us, a lesson that creates a new freedom, a wonderful understanding of our actual freedom to be: “Further, intuition provides options. When you are connected to the instinctual self, you always have at least four choices … the two opposites and then the middle ground, and ‘taken under further contemplation’. If your are not vested in the intuitive, you may think you have only one choice, and often that is an undesirable one. And you feel you should suffer about it. And submit. And force yourself to do it. No, there’s a better way. Listen to the inner hearing, the inner seeing, the inner being. Follow it. It knows what to do next. “

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I quote only a brief bit from a vast wisdom that erupts from her book, when you are ready and have the urge or the craving to understand, pick it up and read Women Who Run With the Wolves. Consciousness is what the world is ready for from more of the living. There really is nothing to be afraid of when you see its deep rooted beauty.

 

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my favorite way to open a Blessing Way

The Wise Woman Tradition

The Wise Woman Tradition is both ancient and modern. It has many names and many faces. It is earth-centered. It is woman-centered. It is family-centered. It speaks to the healer within. It nourishes the healer within. It encourages trust in yourself and listening to the wisdom within your own heart. It empowers women to take responsibility for their own health and well-being. It sees each person as their own healer. Whole and always moving and changing. Still and dancing. Peaceful and problematic. Transcendent and organic. It honors the Wise Woman within.

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In every culture around the world, the Wise Woman Tradition has flourished in many different ways and has evolved into a variety of expressions throughout the ages. Now it is spiraling outward and awakening consciousness in the female psyche. The Goddess is rising within every woman. Now each woman must define the Wise Woman Tradition for herself, as she integrates the voice of wisdom within her own heart.

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The Wise Woman Tradition is a healing tradition. It is a way of being, a way of living, a way of thinking. It honors and respects all other healing traditions. It seeks to integrate all ways that serve a unique individual or a unique circumstance. It follows the path of least resistance. It flows like water. It trusts in the wisdom of the body. It sees the body as sacred and holy. It sees all life as connected. Whole and holy. It welcomes each day as a new day, full of possibilities and choices.

It sings to our hearts: 
We all come from the Goddess. And to Her we shall return. Like a drop of rain. Flowing to the ocean. (Lyrics by Z. Budapest)

In birth, it whispers the secrets of the universe as we dance the dance of creation. We breathe and we move. We love and we sing. We listen and we hear. We birth and we rise. We feel our power and we touch the place of our beginnings. We own our power and we reclaim the beauty and the pleasure of childbirth.

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Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

(Hindu invocation of peace)

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I had a miscarriage…a boy was born but he wasn’t

I am writing this blog to honor and acknowledge my son Nelson and to document my experience during a miscarriage. I want to share this experience to give voice to something that no words can truly explain. I hope this will somehow relate to some out there, and allow us to share this lonely experience with one another, somehow easing the pain of a loss like this.

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A little boy was with us for only 9 weeks, I carried him for 11 weeks. We finally had an appointment to go have a look at our baby and see how he’s doing. The evening after the appointment was confirmed I had some bloody show, shocked I told myself that this could be normal. An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach though. The blood changed color and started flowing as we went deeper into the night. I decided to call the doctor first thing after shedding some tears with Ryan, my husband. Nervously we arrived at the doctor. I was in full coping mode and feeling relaxed and putting on a brave face, but in my heart I was concerned and knew something was missing. When the doctor finally did the ultra sound and showed no sign of delight. I knew. But the denial was taking over. I asked whether there was another way to check, but there was no sign of life other than the outline of a baby curled up, looking asleep, with no heart beat. My heart stopped at the site of him, the whole room became quiet, the silence that can be found in only the moment death is acknowledged. The doctor and nurse stepped out giving us some moments to take in what was becoming a reality. Ryan and I just held on to each other with no words. After some time I opened the door wanting the meeting to be over and wanting to be out of there. The doctor came back in and we discussed our options. He welcomed us to come back in the next week to double check, he was so willing and open for the diagnoses and screen to be wrong, his compassion and emotional intelligence during this was very settling. He explained all the risks and alternatives to allowing the body to take care of itself and the baby or the choice to have a DNC and the risks and benefits of this procedure. Although I heard all he said, my body is the one part of me I trust most, there was no question that I wouldn’t first give it a fair chance to take care of me and our baby.

We left heart broken and confused and very much dazed. Not knowing what to really do with ourselves we went to get burgers. We had a friend from out of town visiting who was looking after our CQ. When we arrived home, my brave face, mixed with some denial made it possible to have a play date with some neighbors and busy myself with making tea. When anyone asked about the visit to the doctor all I heard myself say is that its not good news. Funny enough no-one asked any questions. As the sun was setting and we watched CQ and the kids run around in our culdesac, I suddenly felt the warmth of something running down my legs. I asked my friend to keep an  eye as I ran inside to have this baby that wasn’t really here anymore. I sat in my bathroom with only my Cat present and as my witness. One of the saddest and most troubling, lonely experiences of my life. I kept hoping to feel or see my baby. I had imagined having him in this space, in the shower and I was. But I was never going to meet him. My heart sobbed as I kept bleeding with my husband checking in lovingly, yet helpless. My body new exactly what it was doing and while I labored and bled I kept thinking why and for how long and what do I do now??? The reality of our family growing and CQ having a little brother was chattering and yet he was still real and I was birthing my second child. I did not sleep that night, Ryan stayed with me and we talked while I was up and down between the bed and the bathroom, eating chinese in bed and just being in this surreal space together. Around 9am the next morning I was able to get up. All I wanted was to get out of the house. I wanted to go to Encinitas market, and although the little voice within said “not a good idea”, I couldn’t listen. I was at a loss, and was in serious coping mode. SO we went, the four of us. We stopped for some food, and then CQ hurt her arm while playing. So she became inconsolable. We tried a view distractions and I bought the most exquisite crystal for protection and some healing piano music, composed by a very strange man, Greg Wilsener. It was raining softly and I wished I could just go crawl up into a corner and not have to see life continue so nonchalant. I was still in shock since I was holding space for it all to be wrong. CQ was the only one mirroring the truth of this day with her cries. We rushed home and because she was hurt we all were going nowhere and doing nothing. She had a nursemaid elbow we learn the next day, luckily an easy fix.

As I look back at my pregnancy with Nelson (we named him as we stood in line at the burger joint),  I remembered that my biggest fear, an overwhelming feeling I have not experienced before, was, having a miscarriage. The doctor and everyone that know something about the reproductive process says it’s nature and there is nothing to be done, other than accept and understand that its nothing, me as the mother could have done differently. I understand this rationally, yet I can’t help but look back in search of what I could have done to have caused this. Numerous scenarios play out in my head, off course. The last two weeks I recall having a strange conversation with myself. I kept having to talk myself out of taking another pregnancy test, suddenly I wasn’t feeling pregnant and all symptoms seemed to have cleared up, they were pretty heavy this time round. The difference was noticeable, but I thought I was entering the energetic second trimester possibly. My cat was acting strange around me too. I kept asking to dream of this boy, but he never showed up and my dreams were quiet. I was missing him before I knew he had departed.

For a month I bled a tremendous amount, I felt depleted and my hormones and emotions were wreaking havoc. I struggled to find time to mourn and make time for my own healing. Finally the little voice within found her scream and I could not ignore it any longer. After we planted a beautiful “heavenly bamboo” for Nelson I started to recognize the gifts he had left for us. We took time to cry and talk a lot. I created space to acknowledge this birth and this loss.

Miscarriage leaves us speechless and the mind has no way to comprehend what is happening, only the body knows what to do. Probably the most heartbreaking experience in the life of a mother, and most Mamas go through this. We are our own truest support when we can acknowledge the magnitude of what is happening. We are emotionally and physically witnessing the two most pivotal moments in a human life, birth and death, at the same time. How will the mind ever wrap itself around such an experience.

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